Babel: The Voices of Medical Trauma
This is a powerful narrative of birth trauma from Tricia Pil (a doctor herself) told from three points of view: from her personal point of view as the person this happened to; the story recorded on her medical record and the hospital account and response. These stories are generally swept under the rug and this betrayal and atrocious and inexcusable by the medical community is all too common. Kudos to Dr. Pil for having the courage to stand up and expose this behavior and advocate for the rights of all childbearing women.
http://www.pulsemagazine.org/Archive_Index.cfm?content_id=119
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------“There, there, that’s normal. It won’t last forever.”
I heard that a lot. But none of it was normal. I had no reference markers in my life that could have prepared me for my experience and that is something I’m grateful for. It’s not normal to have hands up your vagina. It’s not normal to suffer like that. It’s not normal to have your genitals ripped apart. It’s not normal to feel so exposed and vulnerable. It’s not normal to go so long without sleep or food or water. It’s not normal to have needles , electrodes and tubes stuck up orifices and into your veins. It’s not normal to have a bowel movement in front of people. It’s not normal to be unable to get rid of urine without a catheter because you hurt so much and the swelling is so bad. It’s not normal to see that much blood and know that it’s yours. It’s not normal for your breasts to hurt and leak and your nipples to crack and bleed. What kind of demented person would say that any of that is normal?
It’s not normal to be denied effective pain relief. It is inhumane to do this. First it was too early. Then the anesthesiologist was gone for “coffee”. Then it was too late. “Here use this” and they gave me gas and air. There is a reason it is considered a ‘mild, dissociative analgesia’. It doesn’t work and it messes with your mind. I actually believed them when they said breathing techniques would relieve pain. How stupid am I.
I had to ask and then beg for pain relief during the post partum period. “You only have first and second degree tears”, they said. “You don’t even have that many stitches.” “Other women have it much worse and they don’t complain”. The inside of my vagina was torn. So was the area around my clitoris and urethra. Sitting hurt. Walking hurt. My sutures became infected. I still have problems and it has been one year. I was given ice packs. My Mom brought me pain relievers to alternate between so I could help myself. I didn’t tell them. Thank goodness I had my cell phone to contact her.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I really related to the ‘There, There that’s normal lady.” I don’t think she went far enough. Here are some things that happened to me that I was told were normal. Women should know about this. Let them decide how normal they think this is.
• Violent, uncontrollable shaking after delivery. I was told not to call them convulsions because that was such a negative term. They gave me a blanket and acted like they were hard done by to do that.
• Fainting. I did it once on the delivery table and twice during my hospital stay.
• Hyperventilating
• Vomiting
• Being so weak you can’t walk without assistance
• Being unable to urinate or control basic functions like urination
• Having the whites of your eyes bright red for weeks because the exertion of pushing broke blood vessels
• Feeling like your body is ripping in two
• Feeling like your insides are going to fall through your vagina
• Being unable to sleep because you are so frightened someone else is going to hurt you
• Spending days in a sitz bath or shower
• Giving up and begging to die. Everybody does this I was assured.
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I had a 'spontaneous, uncomplicated' vaginal delivery. That is their term, not mine. I want other women to know what that means. I was in labour for 27 hours. I was fortunate enough to get an epidural promptly when I asked for it without guilt or coercion to 'go without' by medical staff. I was so exhausted I wanted to get some sleep but the pain was still too much to sleep through and people kept walking in on me. I hated the vaginal exams. Most of the staff was courteous and did their best to respect my privacy and dignity. There were some that didn't care. I spent 1 hour pushing until my baby was born. It took another half hour to deliver the placenta. The delivery room looked like a war zone. There was blood everywhere. My baby was kind of bluish and covered with my blood. After they finished with her I spent some time with her and my husband before they left and I had the damage done to my genital tract repaired. They topped up my epidural. I was in the operating room with my legs in stirrups for an hour. It was disheartening, humiliating and lonely. The other women in my prenatal class all had to be surgically repaired as well. I wanted to be with my baby so badly but only my husband had that ability. He was on the phone telling people what we had and telling everyone I was 'fine' but he was in rough shape. HaHa. What a dismissive jerk. I wasn't denied pain relief during or after surgery but the morphine they gave me did make me feel very stoned. Every time I urinated was torture. I was told to sit in a sitz bath to pee as this was supposed to help. They actually said that as if they believed it. The first few bowel movements I had were painful. On top of all that I had hemorrhoids. It took a long time for them to subside. Two days after giving birth I developed a urinary tract infection. These are very common. I hurt down there for several months. During my 6 week check up my doctor told me I was healing nicely and sex should be O.K. to try. I had some reservations but my husband was eager. Big mistake. I tore open again and ended up with a very painful infection.
I used to laugh a lot but I'm afraid to now. Every time I laugh I leak urine and pass gas. Same thing happens when I sneeze or cough or exercise. I used to run but I can only do that now if I wear absorbent pads. I just don't bother running. I'm supposed to do Kegel exercises and I try many of them every day but there isn't any improvement. The doctor told me my pelvic floor was too overstretched to go back into shape and that I suffered partial nerve damage to the pudendal nerves that control the muscles of the pelvic floor. Muscles don't work if there isn't nerves to innervate them. This is normal with a vaginal delivery and I would just have to adjust to this 'new normal'.
Women are judged on their appearance and I feel such societal pressure to be a 'yummy mummy' but I can't measure up. I can't lose my pregnancy weight, my abdomen is covered with stretch marks and the skin is flabby, and I now have varicose veins. My baby is my life and I'm so glad I have her. I love her so much but I want women to know what childbirth is really like and what can happen to you.
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I had a midwife/ hospital delivery for my first
child, laboured for 24 hours, pushed for 3 hours. I asked my midwife for help
after about 2 hours of pushing (I was delirious and exhausted at this
point) with forceps or any kind of help and she refused saying I could do it
myself. My epidural had long run out and she would not give me any pain relief.
I did rip but I don't know the extent of the tear. When I asked, my midwife
shrugged and said she wasn't sure how many stitches she had to put in. I still
wasn't healed by my 6 week check up. By the time my daughter was born I felt
sick, exhausted, ripped-open, nauseous. I didn't even want to hold
her and I felt like a failure, like I should have been able to do it faster,
better. I couldn't stop thinking about the delivery and felt detached from my
child for months. I just want a completely different birth experience. I don't
want to start off again feeling like a failure.
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I had a sphincteroplasty, levatorplasty, and perinealplasty on Thursday January 18th. I was in the hospital for 6 days. I had issues with a very low blood pressure, and since my surgery was so extensive, the doctors kept me a little longer. I was on a morphine drip at the hospital for pain, and other pain meds, so it was tolerable, although it sure did hurt! I am still on a liquid diet, and had my required first bowel movement today. ( I had to take milk of mag to induce a bm today) I was terrified to say the least, but the anticipation was worse than the actual event. It did hurt, but I managed to get through it. It was very soft and my nerves are a little more settled now that it is over. I am taking benefiber 1 tsp twice daily now. My doctor doesn't want me to take stool softeners, although I am not sure I agree with him. My rear-end is nearly un-recognizable at this time. It does not even closely resemble what it did before surgery. My surgeon is very pleased with how everything went, and says I should be much better, and that I really needed the surgery. It was much more extensive than even he thought it would be. I have a ton of stitches, and am taking the sitz baths 3-4 times a day to keep clean. If anyone has any suggestions about the stool softeners and anything else during this tough recovery period -I would love to hear from you. I am pretty much still on restricted bed rest (no stairs, no lifting, small walks, no sitting and lots of rest) I am trying to stay down as much as possible because I do not want any complications. Thank you for all your help in advance
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My name is *****. I am 27 and have a 15 month old son. When I gave birth to my
son I had 4th degree tearing because my son's head came out but he got stuck
and the doctor just went up and grabbed him out. I first found out I had a
problem when I couldn't control my first BM after childbirth. I had a scheduled
visit with the OB a week later and when I told him he acted as if this was
unheard of. Having never been told the severity of my tearing I had to do much
research online to confirm this was not normal. Things have gotten a lot better
since childbirth and I only have leakage now after BM. I have been a single
mother since my son was born so this has been extremely hard for me to deal
with both emotionally and physically.
I have seen a colorectal surgeon and had many tests done. I was told I need
sphincteroplasty.
I have a defect anteriorly. My external anal squeeze pressure is extremely
abnormal. I have a 24mm in diameter defect in the internal sphincter with a
larger defect with the external sphincter. My rectal wall only measures 6mm
thick.
Due to insurance reasons I am scheduled for a consultation with another surgeon
on January 10 and plan to schedule my surgery for March.
I have read a few posts about bonding issues with one's child. I honestly
thought I was alone with feeling like this. I too have at times had a hard time
bonding with my son at the beginning. I had alot of guilt about it because I
was the only parent there for him yet I was so devastated and almost regretted
giving birth. I wasn't able to hold him for a couple months because I couldn't
sit (I also broke my tailbone during labor). This has been an emotional roller
coaster ride and I just pray that things will get better after I have surgery.
The first surgeon I went to told me that if I get the surgery I would not be
able to give birth vaginally ever again because the same thing would happen. I
have come to terms with this and am definitely taking the advice.
I have been reading all the advice everyone has given and although I am scared
to get the surgery I feel this board has encouraged me to make the right
decision and that there is hope of feeling "normal" again.
I'm a newbie to the thread, but have been reading for a
couple months now. I guess I'll start by telling how I ended up here.... In
July 2008, I gave birth to a beautiful, very "healthy" boy. My son
weighed in at 8lb 10oz.....with very broad shoulders. So good ol mommy here got
a 4th degree extension of my episiotomy. For the first week things were ok.
During week 2 post partum, I developed a bad uterine infection as a result of
tearing into my rectum. I got over that and was ok, or so i thought... Within
the first month I started experiencing anal leakage. By three months out, I
talked to my ob/gyn about it and she told me it was too early to do anything
yet, to adjust my fiber in my diet and wait a little longer. At 6 months out, I
had had enough. I couldn't go to the mall and walk around without having
leakage, I was having accidents every other week if not more often. I saw a
specialist in february (7 months out). She has recommended a sphincteroplasty
but had me wait to come back to see her again after trying kegals and diet
modification and fiber supplementing.....2 months later that isn't really
working at all. In fact things have gotten worse. I go back to the dr april 23
to discuss where we go from here. I have a lot of questions for her naturally.
I am planning on proceeding with the surgery in June (have to wait for sick pay
at work). She told me i could expect 3-4 days in the hospital, 4weeks off work,
and "to seriously think about my childbearing plans as the pressure from
carrying another baby can cause damage to the repair even if it is a scheduled
c-section". That's all she has said so far. Now mind you, I am an OB
nurse, so I know I can have a c-section in the future if we decide to have
another baby. So that's my story of how I ended up here.
birth stories; emergency cesarean; operative assisted vaginal; pregnanc